It's been quite a journey the past few months. I've managed to stay sober for over 90 days and did have a few drinks over the holidays. I'm still considering myself sober though. No binging.

I'm not sure why, but the past few weeks have been rough. Not for drinking - just emotionally a mess. I've been needing to sit down and have a really good cry for the past few days. I'm letting it out. I think it may be my hormones - I'm at that age where shit's going to start shutting down, and that makes me sad too. Will I start to fade? Will I finally become that old woman? Is this it?

I'm not sure how I feel about my relationship right now. Do I love him? Absolutely. Do I want to continue on this journey with him? Not sure. One day I'm so high and happy and in love, then the next day I just want to end it and run away. Sometimes it just hurts and makes me sad. Other times I'm on top of the world and wouldn't ever want to be with anyone else.  But then the past starts creeping in.

I think about all the shit he did to me int and it's hard to just let go of all of that. I know he's working on being a better person but I just can't seem to let go of the things he's done. Will I ever be able to? I have to if I want to move on. It hurts me some days to even think about it. I guess I just don't know how to move forward. I had trusted him 100%, in the beginning, now it's at about 50%. Can our relationship survive this?

I try to leave the past in the past - but I can't help but wonder if these are things that will never change. I think a lot of his behavior in the past was due to his alcohol abuse and him not fully thinking things through. So now I have to give him a chance. But some days I ask myself why? Will he always be there for me? I don't know. Has he lied? Yes. Has he not lied, but tried to hide things? Yes. Makes me wonder about some of the things he's told me - has he been completely honest? Or is he leaving out the bad shit so he doesn't hurt my feelings? It's hard to trust someone completely after they lie. I don't know if I can ever trust him again - I will always be questioning things that don't seem to add up in my mind.

After lying to me, telling me he was so sick he couldn't get out of bed, I find out Oh, I went to the strippers house next door, she was having a pajama party with other strippers, they were all in their underwear, but I left and didn't do anything because I respect you too much. Oh really? Then why even go in the first place? Why did you lie to me? I find it hard to believe he didn't do anything, but I still trusted him at that point. Then there's the case with the crackhead he hired. Oh, I want to help her to get a job, get clean and get a good place to live. I was uncomfortable with this decision but it's his life - I knew it wasn't going to work out and something would happen.  She's never going to stay at my place, she's not allowed to do drugs here. OH, but bitch has. It's a loft - 1 bed. She just slept in his bed while he was drunk? Nothing happened? I'm suppose to believe that? Seriously dude - I'm not that dumb. He even gave her money for stuff - really? I loan you money and your giving crack whores money? Paying for their animals AFTER I give you money to keep you a float? Wow. That was the final straw for me and I walked away. Then he got sober, so I gave him a chance. Now that I look back at this I'm like, wtf are you thinking? Get. The. Fuck. Out. NOW. I should have stayed away.

He's here, but not always present. Always sitting on facebook, talking to all the neighbors - but just sits on the couch with me.  Sometimes I love that, just being able to be together, and not say anything - other times I wish we would get out and do things. The things that hurt the most is when he travels, invites me, then plans the trip without me and leave me here. Why does he do things like that? Is there someone or something going on back home he doesn't want me to know about? He's the only 40 something year old that I know of that has to become friends with every 20 year old chick in his building. "I have no interest in being with younger women, they are annoying" - really? Then why do you have to be friends with all of them?  I don't think a good relationship makes you feel like this. We argued the other day and I actually was trembling - thinking, is he going to get so agitated that he starts yelling and me? Will it escalate again?

At one point he had asked me to marry him - I said yes. Then came the kick in the stomach. "Monogamy works until it doesn't" - umm...ok? Then fuck that. I'm not marrying someone just to have someone around that fucks the first hot little thing that shows any interest. If you feel the need to stick your dick in something while you're in a committed relationship - you're not the one for me. I know it can work both ways, but I'm not that kind of person. That may work for some people, but it's not for me. I feel sex is something intimate - I've never been one that's good at doing one night stands. Sex involves emotions for me - that's why I don't do that kinda thing. 

The conversation hasn't come up again but when it does, I'm going to make it clear that the yes turned into a hard no with that caveat.  That eroded a lot of the trust that I had. It made me start to wonder - will he cheat on me? It started to make me feel very insecure.

He just left for a trip for two weeks (where he had originally asked me to go - then made the plans without me). I was hurt at first, now I'm realizing that maybe this is what I need. A couple of weeks to clear my head and maybe make the choice that I knew I needed to make a long time ago. Get out and do somethings other than sitting around on the couch.  I either need to be all in  100% and trust him again - or send all of his shit to him and put him in the past.  I deserve to be treated like a queen, I don't think there's really anyone that can do that so it's a decision of do I stay or become permanently single. It could be worse, I could end up with someone worse than him. 

I fucked up

I fucked up and drank last night. Not a good thing. I think it was just all the emotional turmoil of everything going on with the BF. I feel like shit this morning - and I need to remember what this feels like so next time I won't be so quick to run to the bottle.

My head hurts, I feel off and horrible. This is not a good feeling. This is why I need to stop.

I got mad at him for not making plans, not doing what I want and it's wrong. I mean, drunk texted him before going to bed. I don't know why he puts up with it from me. I had broken up with him, but he still called me in the morning.

I just want this all to be over, I feel like I'm stuck right now. I want to move on with my life and I feel like I'm stuck in limbo - but still not a good reason to get pissy drunk.

So I can't sit here and beat myself up over it, I need to pick myself up and keep moving forward. One mistake does not mean I need to keep drinking, I am going to continue my sober journey, and hopefully I have learned my lesson this time.

Still Sober

Staying sober - but I'm starting to struggle. Just feeling down the past few days. My BF is out of state due to the incident we had several months ago - almost 4 months to be exact. It's hard. I miss him. We are trying to work through things in addition to our sobriety. Days like today though make me wonder what I'm really doing.

In order for him to come back, he has to  take anger management classes. It's ordered by the court at this point. He's not doing it. He keeps saying he's going to sign up, but he never does. So the court date keeps getting re-scheduled, and the no-contact order is still in force.

Makes me feel like I'm really not that much of a priority to him and is really making me question my decision to "work things out". How long am I suppose to hold on? When is enough enough and it's time to let go?

I had a flight booked for next week to go see him. He said he may have to travel for work, during the exact same dates. I never told him I booked it, I just told him to let me know what he plans on doing. He's not the most responsible person in the world which makes things like this difficult too. It's 4 days before I was suppose to go. I just cancelled. He still hasn't made his plans, but I'm not going to go at the last minute. If he can't be considerate enough to make his plans so I can travel, then I'm not going to see him.

He apparently isn't too concerned about seeing me - which again makes me question, why am I holding on to this guy?

I think  I need to put an expiration date on this relationship. It's starting to feel pretty one sided. I'm glad he quit drinking, but that just isn't enough at this point.

I know his court date is coming up next week - I'm feeling hopeless and doubtful that he will have signed up for his classes by then. It's heartbreaking.  I think I just need to give it 1 more month before I throw in the towel. I do love him, I miss him but I can't sit here by myself being in a relationship. I'd rather be single and go out, this is just miserable for me.

You don't treat someone that you love like this. 

Day 4

Woke up this morning feeling great. Had my coffee and picked up and cleaned around the house. Not something I would normally be able to do on a Saturday morning due to the drinking I would do on a Friday night.

Still no cravings for alcohol, perhaps due to the fact I'm doing my best to stay away from the local drinking crowd. Today I will probably take my walk on the beach, be nice and say hi if they are there and just explain that I'm too busy to hang out today. Even mention that I'm not drinking and getting my shit together.

So let's go back about a year and a half and how all this got out of control. I met a beautiful man when I was nearing the end of my 21 year marriage that made me miserable. I drank then as well, not every night but enough to numb the pain of what I dealt with on a daily basis between him and a child with special needs.

We met in Chicago, while I was visiting my oldest daughter. The funny thing was that we had a discussion on the fact that I was in the initial process of saving money and planning for divorce. She actually knew it was a good thing for me, and understood. She didn't care for my husband at all - most people didn't.

My daughter and I went to a baseball game and after ended up at a bar, where I met this man. Initially, my thought was hey, he's cute - I've never done a hook-up, this might be my chance. Yea,  well that didn't end up . as planned. We made out for a bit and I started freaking out. I left the room, scared and embarrassed that I would even consider doing something like that. He was drunk, as was I. He tried to contact me the day after and I just ignored him, I didn't want him.

A few days later my daughter encouraged me to reach out to him, we started texting and calling. A few weeks later a business trip took me to his city so we agreed to meet up. I spent 3 days with this guy,  we both drank a lot and I just assumed it was because we were both a bit nervous and didn't think much of it.  I was soooo attracted to him, and the chemistry was through the roof.  My goal after my divorce was to just be alone and experience life on my own terms. I didn't want to get in a relationship. I wanted to be free.  I had even expressed this too him on one of our calls previously - I didn't want to deal with another man child. I wanted a fresh start.

Well, things didn't go as I had planned - have some fun, leave and forget about him. I actually cried on my way to the airport and kept trying to hide it from him. Nope. I got back home and realized how fucking miserable my life had become after a few days. I had actually just cheated on my husband and that was it for me.  I told him I was finally leaving, he could have the house that I was so desperately trying to stay and keep. I gave it up for this man.  I booked a flight back to his city that night, and stayed with him for a month.

During that time, I realized that this guy had a serious drinking problem as well as doing multiple drugs. I contemplated my decision and thought I deserved better, I didn't sign up to take on an alcoholic, let alone someone his age that appeared to be stuck in peter pan land.  So I called an uber and left for the nearest hotel. He chased after me as I was leaving and I was like, this is not what I want or deserve - you are a mess.

I get to the hotel, bags in tow and head down to the bar to have a couple glasses of wine. Then I starting thinking about him, and I just couldn't let go.  He had me - I hadn't felt this way in years. So I started rationalizing the fact that alcohol was "his" problem, not mine and what harm was it really causing me? None really - just pure boredom when he would start drinking at noon, pass out by 3 and leave me alone for 4 hours while he slept. He would get up and do it all over again.

I realized then that I was really falling hard for this guy but I didn't think I could do the drinking. We ended up in the hotel room together within hours. I craved him, much like he probably craved alcohol.

Fast forward a few months, divorce is final and I buy a cute little beach house and he has been with me the whole time. He cuts back on his drinking as do I. But it's still a problem. He get's drunk and does stupid things, and lies to me about it, but then gets so drunk he eventually tells me. These things hurt - a lot. I start drinking more - so much that I become a mean, nasty person and he gets so angry and upset with me that he starts breaking things and punching walls. I considered walking away so many times, and threw him out several times due to the anger issues. But we always managed to work it out, and be back together. It really wasn't healthy.

The first really bad low point in our relationship was when he started getting physical with me. Eventually it was so bad that I had to call the police. He was arrested and sent back to his city. For the first week all I could do is sit around by myself and think of what a mess we had become. I no longer wanted him.

But then I did. I started to sober up for a while but then got bored and lonely and picked up my drinking habit again. We continued to talk and agreed to stay together but he had to get help. He never quit. I had to make a choice.  I decided that there was no way he was coming back until he got help. For months, he continued drinking while he was away and continued to lie to me and I had made the decision that there was no way this guy was ever going to grow up and I needed to get out, he was breaking my heart.

I think the reality of that finally set in for him, knowing that I couldn't continue my life with him in it. I got a call, don't make any decision about our relationship right now and give him a chance, he was quitting. I made it clear to him, not to do it for me, but for him and his own well being. Take me out of the equation. He said he was doing it for him, because he didn't want to be that asshole anymore, he didn't want to hurt me and to lose me would be horrible. I didn't think it would stick.

It has now been almost 1 week since he had a drink - and 4 days for me. He's determined to make this change and it has made me hopeful. But I'm also very leary that things will go back to the way they were and that scares me. He drank every day for almost 25 years - no way it's this easy. I don't want to get my hopes up and be crushed when this all goes bad again.

All I can say is if it does, lesson learned. I will have to move on and go back to my original plan of just being alone for the rest of my life. Will I date? Yes, but I won't get into another relationship no matter how much I want to. It's too painful to sit and watch someone you love destroy themselves.

Day 3

Feeling so much better now. Got a good night of sleep last night which helped. No crazy dreams to deal with this morning either.

I still have no desire to drink, which is awesome. I think it has finally sunk in that drinking doesn't ever make me feel better, or make my problems go away - it's the opposite.

I'm actually feeling more energized, except for when I'm stupid and take my vitamins on an empty stomach - ugh, the nasty feeling of oops, I should have ate something or I might throw up. Still much better than a hangover!

It's a beautiful day today, I think I may actually go down and sit on the beach for a bit. The "drinkers" usually only hang out on Saturday/Sunday that I would normally go down and sit with so this would be a nice break. No drinking around me to make me feel like I'm missing out and need to drink as well. Just sit, relax and enjoy the beauty of the day. 

made it to 48 hrs

I'm feeling ok about not drinking still. Had a lot of trouble sleeping last night. Took a Benadryl at 9:30 pm since I didn't feel tired. Went to bed at 10pm and slept until 12:30am. Had to get up for a bit, drink some water, just try to relax. Alarm went off at 6:30, shut it down and slept until 7:30am.

Can't wait until this part passes and I can sleep regularly again. Funny how only drinking a few nights a week but drinking till you black out can affect you this much.

I felt the anxiety creeping in, that old familiar, oh my god I'm going to die feeling that makes me so uncomfortable. I would have a pain in my chest and start to freak out and in all actuality, it was probably just my damn bra being too tight but I was too lazy to take it off. Just kept telling my self to breath, and relax. At some point I finally fell back to sleep.

The dreams are the worst. I rarely remember most nights, but of course this morning I had one that just made me feel so awful. It was a mix of an old boyfriend from high school and my current one. It just made no sense whatsoever but had me a tad emotional when I woke up.

I know what the connection is between the two as well. Love. That was the first guy I ever fell in love with, and when he dumped me for someone else - I never let myself feel that again, until now. So that's a bit of an internal struggle for me.

My mind seems a little foggy, I feel a little "meh" but I know I can do this. I'm sure over the next few days things will start to clear up and I will start feeling much better. That's the point where I usually think, "Oh, I can have a drink, I've gone x days without one!" - Nope. not this time sister.

I know what my triggers are and I'm going to have to work on those: boredom, stress and being around people that drink. The being around people that drink is going to be the hardest. I live at the beach - everyone acts like they are on permanent vacation and drink all day on the beach. So, no beach for me this weekend! 

The first 24

Today marks 24 hours sober for me. I can do this. I am strong, and determined to make it though. This isn't the first time, but I so do hope it is the last.

I've been  a disgusting mess. It's time to quit drinking - I've been doing nothing but making an ass of myself.  I don't drink everyday, but I do binge a few times a week which is not any better. I can't handle my alcohol anymore and I can't control the stupid, embarrassing shit I do when I get drunk.

Do I really want to destroy everything? It's not worth it.

Stop fucking everything up because I think drinking makes me feel better. I'm a coward.  I need to face my emotions head on like a big girl. Stop feeling so insecure about myself. I'm smart, beautiful and I had my shit together at one point. I need to get that back.

I need to work on me and stop worrying about him and what stupid fucking thing he's going to do next - because you know it will happen and there isn't a fucking thing you can do about it until it does. He's 72 hours sober right now which is awesome, but I need to take the time to fix me as well.

Fuck everyone else and their opinions of you and what you should be doing according to them - do you and get it right.