Woke up this morning feeling great. Had my coffee and picked up and cleaned around the house. Not something I would normally be able to do on a Saturday morning due to the drinking I would do on a Friday night.
Still no cravings for alcohol, perhaps due to the fact I'm doing my best to stay away from the local drinking crowd. Today I will probably take my walk on the beach, be nice and say hi if they are there and just explain that I'm too busy to hang out today. Even mention that I'm not drinking and getting my shit together.
So let's go back about a year and a half and how all this got out of control. I met a beautiful man when I was nearing the end of my 21 year marriage that made me miserable. I drank then as well, not every night but enough to numb the pain of what I dealt with on a daily basis between him and a child with special needs.
We met in Chicago, while I was visiting my oldest daughter. The funny thing was that we had a discussion on the fact that I was in the initial process of saving money and planning for divorce. She actually knew it was a good thing for me, and understood. She didn't care for my husband at all - most people didn't.
My daughter and I went to a baseball game and after ended up at a bar, where I met this man. Initially, my thought was hey, he's cute - I've never done a hook-up, this might be my chance. Yea, well that didn't end up . as planned. We made out for a bit and I started freaking out. I left the room, scared and embarrassed that I would even consider doing something like that. He was drunk, as was I. He tried to contact me the day after and I just ignored him, I didn't want him.
A few days later my daughter encouraged me to reach out to him, we started texting and calling. A few weeks later a business trip took me to his city so we agreed to meet up. I spent 3 days with this guy, we both drank a lot and I just assumed it was because we were both a bit nervous and didn't think much of it. I was soooo attracted to him, and the chemistry was through the roof. My goal after my divorce was to just be alone and experience life on my own terms. I didn't want to get in a relationship. I wanted to be free. I had even expressed this too him on one of our calls previously - I didn't want to deal with another man child. I wanted a fresh start.
Well, things didn't go as I had planned - have some fun, leave and forget about him. I actually cried on my way to the airport and kept trying to hide it from him. Nope. I got back home and realized how fucking miserable my life had become after a few days. I had actually just cheated on my husband and that was it for me. I told him I was finally leaving, he could have the house that I was so desperately trying to stay and keep. I gave it up for this man. I booked a flight back to his city that night, and stayed with him for a month.
During that time, I realized that this guy had a serious drinking problem as well as doing multiple drugs. I contemplated my decision and thought I deserved better, I didn't sign up to take on an alcoholic, let alone someone his age that appeared to be stuck in peter pan land. So I called an uber and left for the nearest hotel. He chased after me as I was leaving and I was like, this is not what I want or deserve - you are a mess.
I get to the hotel, bags in tow and head down to the bar to have a couple glasses of wine. Then I starting thinking about him, and I just couldn't let go. He had me - I hadn't felt this way in years. So I started rationalizing the fact that alcohol was "his" problem, not mine and what harm was it really causing me? None really - just pure boredom when he would start drinking at noon, pass out by 3 and leave me alone for 4 hours while he slept. He would get up and do it all over again.
I realized then that I was really falling hard for this guy but I didn't think I could do the drinking. We ended up in the hotel room together within hours. I craved him, much like he probably craved alcohol.
Fast forward a few months, divorce is final and I buy a cute little beach house and he has been with me the whole time. He cuts back on his drinking as do I. But it's still a problem. He get's drunk and does stupid things, and lies to me about it, but then gets so drunk he eventually tells me. These things hurt - a lot. I start drinking more - so much that I become a mean, nasty person and he gets so angry and upset with me that he starts breaking things and punching walls. I considered walking away so many times, and threw him out several times due to the anger issues. But we always managed to work it out, and be back together. It really wasn't healthy.
The first really bad low point in our relationship was when he started getting physical with me. Eventually it was so bad that I had to call the police. He was arrested and sent back to his city. For the first week all I could do is sit around by myself and think of what a mess we had become. I no longer wanted him.
But then I did. I started to sober up for a while but then got bored and lonely and picked up my drinking habit again. We continued to talk and agreed to stay together but he had to get help. He never quit. I had to make a choice. I decided that there was no way he was coming back until he got help. For months, he continued drinking while he was away and continued to lie to me and I had made the decision that there was no way this guy was ever going to grow up and I needed to get out, he was breaking my heart.
I think the reality of that finally set in for him, knowing that I couldn't continue my life with him in it. I got a call, don't make any decision about our relationship right now and give him a chance, he was quitting. I made it clear to him, not to do it for me, but for him and his own well being. Take me out of the equation. He said he was doing it for him, because he didn't want to be that asshole anymore, he didn't want to hurt me and to lose me would be horrible. I didn't think it would stick.
It has now been almost 1 week since he had a drink - and 4 days for me. He's determined to make this change and it has made me hopeful. But I'm also very leary that things will go back to the way they were and that scares me. He drank every day for almost 25 years - no way it's this easy. I don't want to get my hopes up and be crushed when this all goes bad again.
All I can say is if it does, lesson learned. I will have to move on and go back to my original plan of just being alone for the rest of my life. Will I date? Yes, but I won't get into another relationship no matter how much I want to. It's too painful to sit and watch someone you love destroy themselves.
Still no cravings for alcohol, perhaps due to the fact I'm doing my best to stay away from the local drinking crowd. Today I will probably take my walk on the beach, be nice and say hi if they are there and just explain that I'm too busy to hang out today. Even mention that I'm not drinking and getting my shit together.
So let's go back about a year and a half and how all this got out of control. I met a beautiful man when I was nearing the end of my 21 year marriage that made me miserable. I drank then as well, not every night but enough to numb the pain of what I dealt with on a daily basis between him and a child with special needs.
We met in Chicago, while I was visiting my oldest daughter. The funny thing was that we had a discussion on the fact that I was in the initial process of saving money and planning for divorce. She actually knew it was a good thing for me, and understood. She didn't care for my husband at all - most people didn't.
My daughter and I went to a baseball game and after ended up at a bar, where I met this man. Initially, my thought was hey, he's cute - I've never done a hook-up, this might be my chance. Yea, well that didn't end up . as planned. We made out for a bit and I started freaking out. I left the room, scared and embarrassed that I would even consider doing something like that. He was drunk, as was I. He tried to contact me the day after and I just ignored him, I didn't want him.
A few days later my daughter encouraged me to reach out to him, we started texting and calling. A few weeks later a business trip took me to his city so we agreed to meet up. I spent 3 days with this guy, we both drank a lot and I just assumed it was because we were both a bit nervous and didn't think much of it. I was soooo attracted to him, and the chemistry was through the roof. My goal after my divorce was to just be alone and experience life on my own terms. I didn't want to get in a relationship. I wanted to be free. I had even expressed this too him on one of our calls previously - I didn't want to deal with another man child. I wanted a fresh start.
Well, things didn't go as I had planned - have some fun, leave and forget about him. I actually cried on my way to the airport and kept trying to hide it from him. Nope. I got back home and realized how fucking miserable my life had become after a few days. I had actually just cheated on my husband and that was it for me. I told him I was finally leaving, he could have the house that I was so desperately trying to stay and keep. I gave it up for this man. I booked a flight back to his city that night, and stayed with him for a month.
During that time, I realized that this guy had a serious drinking problem as well as doing multiple drugs. I contemplated my decision and thought I deserved better, I didn't sign up to take on an alcoholic, let alone someone his age that appeared to be stuck in peter pan land. So I called an uber and left for the nearest hotel. He chased after me as I was leaving and I was like, this is not what I want or deserve - you are a mess.
I get to the hotel, bags in tow and head down to the bar to have a couple glasses of wine. Then I starting thinking about him, and I just couldn't let go. He had me - I hadn't felt this way in years. So I started rationalizing the fact that alcohol was "his" problem, not mine and what harm was it really causing me? None really - just pure boredom when he would start drinking at noon, pass out by 3 and leave me alone for 4 hours while he slept. He would get up and do it all over again.
I realized then that I was really falling hard for this guy but I didn't think I could do the drinking. We ended up in the hotel room together within hours. I craved him, much like he probably craved alcohol.
Fast forward a few months, divorce is final and I buy a cute little beach house and he has been with me the whole time. He cuts back on his drinking as do I. But it's still a problem. He get's drunk and does stupid things, and lies to me about it, but then gets so drunk he eventually tells me. These things hurt - a lot. I start drinking more - so much that I become a mean, nasty person and he gets so angry and upset with me that he starts breaking things and punching walls. I considered walking away so many times, and threw him out several times due to the anger issues. But we always managed to work it out, and be back together. It really wasn't healthy.
The first really bad low point in our relationship was when he started getting physical with me. Eventually it was so bad that I had to call the police. He was arrested and sent back to his city. For the first week all I could do is sit around by myself and think of what a mess we had become. I no longer wanted him.
But then I did. I started to sober up for a while but then got bored and lonely and picked up my drinking habit again. We continued to talk and agreed to stay together but he had to get help. He never quit. I had to make a choice. I decided that there was no way he was coming back until he got help. For months, he continued drinking while he was away and continued to lie to me and I had made the decision that there was no way this guy was ever going to grow up and I needed to get out, he was breaking my heart.
I think the reality of that finally set in for him, knowing that I couldn't continue my life with him in it. I got a call, don't make any decision about our relationship right now and give him a chance, he was quitting. I made it clear to him, not to do it for me, but for him and his own well being. Take me out of the equation. He said he was doing it for him, because he didn't want to be that asshole anymore, he didn't want to hurt me and to lose me would be horrible. I didn't think it would stick.
It has now been almost 1 week since he had a drink - and 4 days for me. He's determined to make this change and it has made me hopeful. But I'm also very leary that things will go back to the way they were and that scares me. He drank every day for almost 25 years - no way it's this easy. I don't want to get my hopes up and be crushed when this all goes bad again.
All I can say is if it does, lesson learned. I will have to move on and go back to my original plan of just being alone for the rest of my life. Will I date? Yes, but I won't get into another relationship no matter how much I want to. It's too painful to sit and watch someone you love destroy themselves.
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